Today I am thinking about birthdays. Although there were many things we did wrong in our co-parenting journey with our teens, I think one thing that we did remarkably well was birthdays.
Every year when AJ and Scotty had a birthday, we had a joint dinner. The first year it was just my boys, myself, and their dad. We chose to set that day aside and give our kids the gift of having their family together at one table. As the years went by, that table got bigger, and grew to include step parents and step siblings, friends, and grandparents, both step and biological. Even today, with the boys all grown up, the birthday dinner tradition continues.
I am not suggesting that every co-parenting relationship can handle this. What I would suggest that people consider is that no matter what changed for you, no matter what brought your relationship to an end, it didn't end the love that your children have for their family. If you can possibly manage it, they will appreciate a chance to continue to spend time as a family on special occasions. To be honest, it also takes care of all the rough edges over the long run and creates an ease that will help the adults at future important events - like graduations, weddings, etc... These events should be joyful and stress free, and if you build the foundation early, that won't be an issue in the future.
Best of luck!
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
What not to do when they choose to live with the other parent
I'm a reader. When I was pregnant, I read every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy. Then I read about infants, then toddlers, and so on as they grew. I was a young mother, but I was determined to be the best mother possible. Unfortunately, when my children were 10 and 12, their father and I made the heart wrenching decision to separate, and then divorce.
At that moment, I felt like a failure as a parent. My sons AJ and Scotty became 'children of divorce', definitely not the optimal route to success that I had wanted to give them.
I'll admit right now, in the emotional next few months I didn't do much of anything right. The intentions were there - the ex and I wanted to do the best we could for our boys, but the process of moving from a couple to two individuals is such an emotional journey that all we could do is keep most of the crazy away from the kids. We tried.
After the first few chaotic months, we settled into an amicable fifty-fifty custody situation. This worked well for us for a few years. By this time, I was in a new relationship, and I was taking steps to blend my new significant other and his son into my family. I threw myself into my new relationship, and into bonding with my new step son, Ty. I took for granted that the existing bonds with my children were strong enough to weather any storm. Please, if you take one thing from this blog, realize that ALL relationships need tending. Bonds that you think are unbreakable still suffer from benign neglect.
So at 14, AJ started asking if he could live with his dad. Thankfully, the ex agreed with me that it would be a bad idea, and we were a united front encouraging him to stick it out with the fifty-fifty situation. We were able to continue with the existing arrangement for another two years, but finally, the summer after AJ's grade 11 year, things came to a head. At 16, my oldest son left my house to live full time with his father. He left angry, and I was so hurt. We had very little contact for the next few years. It was very hard on me, having my child choose to leave me. Yes I do understand that I sound very selfish and self-centered. I was.
Looking back, I realize that AJ was suffering deeply. He was trying to survive in a situation with no real good choice. I have come to understand that while a fifty-fifty custody situation is the ideal for the parents, it isn't necessarily ideal for the kids. Can you imagine having to live in a different house each alternating week? Can you put yourself in those shoes and imagine how it would be to adjust each week to different rules, to constantly do a mental check about whether you have everything you need for the week at Dad's house, or Mom's house? I picture it as living constantly as if you are on the last day of your vacation. Everyone knows that feeling, right? The feeling of loving your vacation, but being completely ready to get back to normal. Except my sons didn't really have a normal - and to get a full time home (which I am certain they craved) they would have to hurt one of their parents by picking the other one.
AJ is now 21, and I can happily share that our relationship has never been stronger. I never stopped trying to rebuild our bond, and eventually, he gave me another chance. In other news, when Scotty was 16, and struggling with the same dilemma, we made the transition much more gracefully. I proactively gave him permission to choose a full time home. I promised him that I would be ok, and that he didn't need to worry about hurting me. I committed to regular lunch dates that continue to this day, so that we could maintain a strong connection while sleeping under different roofs.
Please remember that when your teen children make the decision to live with one parent or the other, they are simply looking for peace and permanence. The parent not chosen needs to be the adult, and focus on staying connected to their child instead of allowing distance and hurt to create barriers.
At that moment, I felt like a failure as a parent. My sons AJ and Scotty became 'children of divorce', definitely not the optimal route to success that I had wanted to give them.
I'll admit right now, in the emotional next few months I didn't do much of anything right. The intentions were there - the ex and I wanted to do the best we could for our boys, but the process of moving from a couple to two individuals is such an emotional journey that all we could do is keep most of the crazy away from the kids. We tried.
After the first few chaotic months, we settled into an amicable fifty-fifty custody situation. This worked well for us for a few years. By this time, I was in a new relationship, and I was taking steps to blend my new significant other and his son into my family. I threw myself into my new relationship, and into bonding with my new step son, Ty. I took for granted that the existing bonds with my children were strong enough to weather any storm. Please, if you take one thing from this blog, realize that ALL relationships need tending. Bonds that you think are unbreakable still suffer from benign neglect.
So at 14, AJ started asking if he could live with his dad. Thankfully, the ex agreed with me that it would be a bad idea, and we were a united front encouraging him to stick it out with the fifty-fifty situation. We were able to continue with the existing arrangement for another two years, but finally, the summer after AJ's grade 11 year, things came to a head. At 16, my oldest son left my house to live full time with his father. He left angry, and I was so hurt. We had very little contact for the next few years. It was very hard on me, having my child choose to leave me. Yes I do understand that I sound very selfish and self-centered. I was.
Looking back, I realize that AJ was suffering deeply. He was trying to survive in a situation with no real good choice. I have come to understand that while a fifty-fifty custody situation is the ideal for the parents, it isn't necessarily ideal for the kids. Can you imagine having to live in a different house each alternating week? Can you put yourself in those shoes and imagine how it would be to adjust each week to different rules, to constantly do a mental check about whether you have everything you need for the week at Dad's house, or Mom's house? I picture it as living constantly as if you are on the last day of your vacation. Everyone knows that feeling, right? The feeling of loving your vacation, but being completely ready to get back to normal. Except my sons didn't really have a normal - and to get a full time home (which I am certain they craved) they would have to hurt one of their parents by picking the other one.
AJ is now 21, and I can happily share that our relationship has never been stronger. I never stopped trying to rebuild our bond, and eventually, he gave me another chance. In other news, when Scotty was 16, and struggling with the same dilemma, we made the transition much more gracefully. I proactively gave him permission to choose a full time home. I promised him that I would be ok, and that he didn't need to worry about hurting me. I committed to regular lunch dates that continue to this day, so that we could maintain a strong connection while sleeping under different roofs.
Please remember that when your teen children make the decision to live with one parent or the other, they are simply looking for peace and permanence. The parent not chosen needs to be the adult, and focus on staying connected to their child instead of allowing distance and hurt to create barriers.
Co-Parenting Teens
When I search for co-parenting blogs on the internet, I find endless fountains of information on co-parenting elementary aged kids. While this is great, there really is a lack of resources for those co-parenting with teens. This is amazing to me! When my children were younger, I found co-parenting issues mostly centered around scheduling, finances, holiday sharing and gifting - never underestimate the minefield that Christmas and birthday gift giving can turn into! #sarcasm
As we co-parented kids through their teen years, the issues got bigger, darker, and so much more serious. How do you co-parent excellently through teen depression and mental illness? How do you address drug use, parties, eating disorders, dating, sexuality, and insecurities? How can you continue to be a connected parent when your teen child chooses to live with their other parent? How do you deal with blending new members into the family?
I have dealt with all of the above, very imperfectly. As I look back on the process, I realize that my hindsight might benefit others. I certainly don't think I have all the answers, but at the very least, I hope my posts will make you feel less alone.
Jess
As we co-parented kids through their teen years, the issues got bigger, darker, and so much more serious. How do you co-parent excellently through teen depression and mental illness? How do you address drug use, parties, eating disorders, dating, sexuality, and insecurities? How can you continue to be a connected parent when your teen child chooses to live with their other parent? How do you deal with blending new members into the family?
I have dealt with all of the above, very imperfectly. As I look back on the process, I realize that my hindsight might benefit others. I certainly don't think I have all the answers, but at the very least, I hope my posts will make you feel less alone.
Jess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)